Threat

Sammy was sitting on the sofa. Sammy is annoyed that he can’t use the computer, because Daddy is using it.

Sammy: Daddy, when I feel like I have a lot of fart, I will fart on your face.

* * *

A Child’s Pure Love

Daddy changed the passwords of the computers to control the children from spending too much time playing on them.

One day during lunch, after having watched the film ‘Anne of Green Gables’ where the children saw Anne’s beloved old friend die from a sudden heart attack:

Sammy: Daddy, I don’t want you to die.

Daddy: Thank you Sammy, but I’m not dying.  Why are you afraid I might die?

Sammy: Because if you die, then we can’t use the computer because we don’t know the password.

Daddy: Mummy knows the password.

Sammy: (Relieved) Phew!

* * *

Behaviour Control

When Sammy spends too much time playing games on the computer, Mummy has to remind him to stop. Sometimes Sammy hates having to stop.

Sammy: Mummy, next time when you don’t let me play the computer, I will hide your mobile phone.

* * *

Magic Water

Sammy sometimes complain of headaches, especially when the weather changes from hot to cool:

Sammy: (Heading to the fridge) My head hurts.  I think I need to get some fainting water.

* * *

How a Wireless Mouse Works

Daddy and Sammy were looking at two wireless mouses in an electronics catalogue.  One was $26 and the other was $59.

Sammy: (pointing at the cheaper one $26) Daddy, why is this only $26?

Daddy: (trying to figure out the difference) Hmm… let’s see… this more expensive one is wireless.  That means it can talk to the computer without…

Sammy: Without a telephone?

* * *

Toilet Aphorism

Once in a while, when Sammy plays a computer game and gets so focused at it,  he forgets to answer the call of nature (he starts pooing in his pants). 

It used to happen quite often, but not much anymore. Except last night it happened again:

Daddy: (carrying Sammy to the toilet) Sammy!  Why did you poo in your pants?  Didn’t you know it was coming?

Sammy: Daddy!  If we don’t make mistakes, we don’t learn!

* * *

Oil Crisis

Daddy and Mummy were watching Frasier on the computer.  Sammy walks up to them:

Sammy: Daddy, you might die.

Daddy: (?!?!) What do you mean I might die?

Sammy: We are running out of oil.

Daddy: (At first thinking that Sammy was watching a documentary about the earth running out of oil, but: a) Sammy is 5 years old, b) They were watching ‘Surf’s Up!’) What do you mean oil?

Sammy: The oil we use to make food!

Mummy: Oh, you mean cooking oil?

Sammy: Yes! We have only very little left, and if we run out we cannot cook food anymore!

Daddy: If we run out of cooking oil we can just go to the grocery to buy more.

Sammy: (Relieved) Oh, phew!

* * *

Trophy and Medal

Domu did very in the Australasian Maths Olympiad. Yesterday the school principal handed him 3 awards:  a patch for achieving a score in the top 25% nationwide, a medal for achieving a score in the top 10% nationwide, and a trophy for achieving the highest individual score in his school.  Well done!

* * *

Games

The children love playing ‘World of Goo’. They also like playing mindless shoot the aliens games.

Sammy: I’m going to play World of Goo

Daddy: That’s good.  I like World of Goo.

Sammy: Why do you like World of Goo?

Daddy: Because it’s educational.  It makes you think and use your head.  Not like the other games you play where you just shoot enemies.

Sammy: Daddy, the less the games teach you, the more fun they are.

* * *

Mathemagician

Mummy has been teaching Sammy how to multiply.  He now knows at least the times 2, times 3, times 5, and times 10 tables.

One day…Daddy was washing dishes.  Sammy was standing beside the fridge.

Sammy: Daddy, I already know the times 4 table.  You can test me.

Daddy: Ok, 4 x 4?

Sammy: (looks to one side of the fridge and thinks a couple of seconds) 16!

Daddy: 4 x 7?

Sammy: (looks to one side of the fridge and thinks a couple of seconds) 28!

Daddy: Very good. 

The next day, Daddy discovers there is a multiplication table pasted on the side of the fridge where Sammy was “thinking”

* * *

Not quite right, but not quite wrong

Daddy was reading a Bible story to the children during bedtime.

Daddy: “Jesus went to the sea. A multitude of people followed him. Some came from Galilee..” Where did some of the people come from?

Pia: The gallery?

* * *

Bubby Fischer Declines a Match

Sammy is bored and is asking Daddy what he can do.

Sammy: Daddy, what can I do?

Mummy: Come Sammy, lets’ play chess.

Sammy: I don’t want to play chess.

Daddy: Why don’t you like to play chess?

Sammy: (whispering) I already know how to beat Mummy

* * *

Unexciting Walk

Domu and Pia are using one computer.  Mummy is using the other computer.  Daddy is watching TV.

But Sammy has go nothing to do.

Sammy: Mummy, what can I do?

Mummy: Why don’t you play computer?

Sammy: Achie and Anya are using the computer (starts walking around the living room) All I can do is walk.  It’s so boring.

* * *

Chess Trainer

After learning how chess pieces move, about three months ago, Sammy beat Daddy.

A few weeks later he was able to checkmate Mummy! But Sammy is a benevolent winner:

Sammy: Mummy, if you want to be trained by me, we must play chess again.

* * *

This is no place like home

The family was watching Karate Kid (starring Jaden Smith as ‘Dre’).

Dre and his Mum had moved to China less than a week ago, but Dre was having a tough time with big Kung Fu bullies in school.

In the street with his Mum:

Dre: (crying) I want to go home!

Dre’s Mum: THIS is home, Dre.

Sammy: (confused - Dre and his Mum were outside, in the street) That’s not home! They’re outside!

* * *

Bubby Fischer a Lifetime of Experience

Sammy beat at chess Daddy once.  Then Daddy beat Sammy. The score is 1-1.

It’s time for championship game.  Daddy beat Sammy.  Sammy starts crying.

Daddy: Don’t cry. You can’t always win.  How can you win? I’ve been playing for twenty years. You’ve only been playing for 2 days, so how can you win?

Sammy: Not 2 days! 3 days!

* * *

Bubby Fischer

Sammy at age 4 (going on 5) has discovered chess.  He knows the moves now and is poring through a book by Bobby Fischer.

After playing with Daddy and ‘beating’ Daddy, Sammy promises to take it easier next time:

Sammy: Daddy, next time when we play chess I will play “easy”, ok. I won’t play “hard”.

* * *

Oh My Gosh

Mummy was telling the kids about teeth, and that they should take care of their baby teeth.  Sammy runs to Daddy:

Sammy: Daddy, OH MY GOSH!

Daddy: What?

Sammy: All my teeth are baby teeth!

* * *

Muffins

Mummy baked some muffins.  Chocolate flavoured ones. Cinammon / orange flavoured ones. Orange flavoured ones.

Sammy and Pia were having some:

Mummy: Sammy, do you like the muffins?

Sammy: Yes! I love them. So yummy!

A few minutes later:

Mummy: Sammy, do you want some more muffins?

Sammy: I don’t like it anymore. I think I’m going to vomit.

* * *

Handbag

Daddy was having dinner (he eats dinner alone on weeknights because everyone has already eaten by the time he comes home from work)

Pia: Daddy, look at my handbag.  It’s got everything I need: my sunglasses, my pen, my notebook, my vulture…

* * *

The Stoyr Wirter

Pia loves horses.  She also loves to write stories. But her spelling needs improvement.

She drafted a story with the interesting title:

 

The Hores Who Ran Away from the Big Bad Wolf

* * *

Faith, Hope, and Charity 2

The 3 theological virtues are: faith, hope, charity (or love).  The children were finding the 3 words strange-sounding while they tried to memorise them:

Daddy: Pia, what are the 3 theological virtues?

Pia: (thinking)… hate … hope … charity?

* * *

Faith, Hope, and Charity

The children were learning about the 3 theological virtues: faith, hope, and charity.  Three strange words. The children were struggling to remember them:

Daddy: Sammy, what are the 3 theological virtues?

Sammy: Fake… hope… charity

* * *

There’s the Rub

The children were playing with a toy yacht construction set.  It had hundreds of small plastic parts which interconnect. 

Sammy built a 15-inch long stick which bends when you wave it.

Sammy: (waving his wand) Daddy! Mummy! Look! It’s like rubber…

(Then he noticed that it wasn’t bending at all).

Sammy: … but it doesn’t do much rubbing

* * *

Moon

Mummy and the kids were walking to the nearby playground. 

It was about 4pm, but the moon was visible.  Sammy noticed the moon was shaped like a crescent:

Sammy: Look!  Someone cut the moon!

* * *

Future Master Chefs

Mummy is thinking of what to cook for dinner tonight.

Mummy: I think I have to take out the pork from the freezer so we can cook it later.

Pia: What’s “pork” ?

Sammy: Fish!

* * *

Let’s hop to the hardware

There’s a large DIY hardware shop in Australia called ‘Bunning’s Warehouse.’  They sometimes have workshops for kids. We brought the children once and they liked it.

One day:

Sammy: Mummy, when can we go again to Bunny’s Warehouse?

* * *

Baby Boomer

Four-year old Sammy approaches Daddy:

Sammy: Daddy…

Daddy: Yes?

Sammy: I want to rock and roll.

* * *

Spy Web

After watching Jackie Chan’s movie, “The Spy Next Door”, the children want to be spies when they grow up:

Pia: Daddy, do spies have to work at night?

Daddy: Sometimes.

Pia: Oh, I don’t want to go out at night.

Daddy: Why?

Pia: I might touch some web!  I’m afraid of webs.

* * *

Spy

The children love Jackie Chan’s movie, “The Spy Next Door”.  They all want to be ‘spies’ when they grow up.

Pia: Daddy, I want to be a spy when I grow up.

Daddy: Ok.

Pia: Do spies always have to work at night?

Daddy: Sometimes.  Why?

Pia: I’m afraid of the dark.

* * *

Boring Homework

The children have to take their NAPLAN tests soon, and we are busy preparing them.  Pia has to type out the 1000 most common words in English, to help her remember their spelling:

Pia: (after taking 1 hour to type just 20 of the words) Oh…  this is so boring!  This will take forever!

Daddy: Just keep on typing.

Pia: I want to punch you!

* * *

Early Morning Soccer

Sammy likes to play soccer. One night:

Sammy: Mummy, can we play football?

Mummy: It’s already late Sammy.  We can play tomorrow.

Sammy: Ok

The next day. Sunday. 8:00 am.  Sammy tiptoes into Mummy and Daddy’s room. Mummy’s still asleep. 

Sammy: (whispering into Mummy’s ear) Mummy… can we play football now?

* * *

Getting older

Sammy was looking for a toy he had been playing with. It was at Daddy’s desk earlier.

Sammy: Daddy, did you see the toy I put on your desk?

Daddy: You took it from my desk.

Sammy: Do you know where I put it?

Daddy: No.

(Sammy keeps looking nearby, then suddenly sees where had misplaced it)

Sammy: Doh! There it is.  I’m a silly old man!

* * *

Boys Become Daddies, Girls Become Mummies

Sammy was still thinking about the cute baby he saw the other day.

Sammy: Daddy, when I grow up will I be a Mummy and have a baby?

Daddy: No, you will be a Daddy.

Sammy: But how do you know?  I might be a girl when I grow up.

Daddy: You don’t change when you grow up. When boys grow up they become men.  When girls grow up they become women.

Sammy: Oh.

* * *

Really really really really young Dad

At church. Sammy was very much fascinated with a cute baby behind us. 

He leans over to Daddy, whispering softly while still looking at the baby:

Sammy: Daddy…

Daddy: Yes?

Sammy: When can I have a baby?

* * *

Message from the heart

When the children make offense, sometimes they write an apology and hand it to the other person, or post it on a wall in the house.  So sometimes Pia will write “Mummy, sorry for not finishing my lunch”

One day, Sammy comes to Daddy with pencil and paper.  He is going to write a sorry letter.

Sammy: Daddy, how do you spell “I’m”?

Daddy: I – apostrophe – M

Sammy: How do you spell “sorry”?

Daddy: S-O-R-R-Y

Sammy: How do you spell “I made”

Daddy: I – M-A-D-E

Sammy: How do you spell “poison ball”?

* * *

Attempting Murder

Pia grabs Daddys legs, and tries to pull him to the ground.

Daddy: Stop it!

Pia: I’m trying to see if I can kill you.

* * *

Question

Bedtime.  Pia seems unsettled, trying to think of how to ask a question that’s been on her mind for a while.

Pia: Daddy… uhm…

Daddy: Yes?

Pia: Why do you and Mummy fart so much?

* * *

Why we have to eat

One Sunday after watching a movie at the theatre, we went to the supermarket. Some biscuit snacks (Shapes) were on sale, so we bought 10 boxes, to be used when the occassion calls for snacks (like the Friday family movie night).

Later that night, Sammy wanted to convince Mummy that we should have some of the biscuits. After all, it’s all bought and paid for:

Sammy: Mummy can we eat the Shapes?

Mummy: That’s for later

Sammy: Muuuuuummmmmyyyyyy!  If we pay for it, that means we have to eat it!

* * *

Tough Guy

4 year old Sammy likes to play at fighting with Daddy.  He will call out ‘Wiiiiiiiiing Chun!’ and then the attack commences.

During one encounter, Daddy made it so that the encounter resulted in Sammy being separated from the clothes he was wearing.  It was a traumatic experience for Sammy, and he hates being reminded of it.

One day:

Sammy: Wiiiiiiiiing Chun!

Daddy: (tired and not in the mood) Remember the last time we fought? What happened to your clothes

Sammy: (Grrrrr!) If you do that to me again, I will pull out your lungs!

* * *

Words that should be in the dictionary but are

Time for Daddy and Sammy to pick up Domu and Pia from school. 

Daddy: Sammy, change your clothes now, we have to pick up Achie and Anya.  Hurry up!

Sammy: OK, but I can’t be very fast ok?  I’m only 4 years old.

(Later, Sammy emerges with outdoor clothes)

Daddy: Good job Sammy! But your shirt is backwards

Sammy: Doh!  Can you help me make it frontwards?

(A check later shows ‘frontwards’ is in the dictionary)

* * *

Teen Math

Pia is preparing for he NAPLAN exams.  We want to make sure her math is solid.  School has just started after a month and a half of Christmas vacation, so she’s rusty.

She has to multiply 73 x 72. Multiplying 7 x 2, she knows the answer is 14, but not sure  whether to write down the ‘4’ or the ‘1’.

Pia: Daddy, should I write the four or the teen?

* * *

The Girl Who Will Not Play With Fire

…if she knows what’s good for her.

Daddy and Pia were talking one day:

Pia: Daddy, are there things that don’t burn?

Daddy: (delighted that Pia is asking about science) Well, everything burns, except they burn at different temperatures.  For example, a small flame will burn your hair, but it won’t burn this spoon.

Pia: It won’t burn?

Daddy: No

Pia: (eyes light up) Then I can play with fire!

* * *

Beyond Naughty

The children very much like to play at the dining table while eating lunch or dinner or breakfast. It drives us nuts because it takes them two hours just to finish up eating.

At lunch one day, Sammy was playing at the table:

Mummy: Sammy! Will you stop playing please! Eat your food!

Sammy: Muuuummmmeeeeeee!  I can be evil if I want to!

* * *

A Special Hug

Mummy and Sammy are sitting on the sofa watching TV.  Mummy hugs Sammy:

Sammy: Smelly Mama!

* * *

Uncommon Idioms

Sammy likes to try out new idioms he hears:

Sammy: Achie, don’t be such a baby cry!

* * *

The Evil that Mums Do

The children sometimes drive us nuts.  It takes ten reminders to make them brush their teeth, ten reminder to not play while eating.  Sometimes Mummy uses a stern voice:

Mummy:  Sammy, finish your food now.

Sammy: Mu…mmeee….you don’t have to be so evil!

* * *

I’ve Forgotten More Than I Know

The children are on school holidays for a month but school will be back in a couple of weeks. We gave Sammy some written math assignments (3+4, 7+8, 9+3, etc.).

When Mummy came to check his work:

Mummy: Sammy, why didn’t you write anything?  Have you forgotten how to add?  What’s 2+3?

Sammy: Mummy!  I know 2+3. It’s 5!

Mummy: So why didn’t you write it down?

Sammy: I forgot how to write the numbers.

* * *

In the Company of Monsters

Pia has been having problems sleeping.  She keeps getting bad dreams.    Even though she sleeps in the same bedroom as Domu and Sammy, she still wants to sleep with Mummy and Daddy.

One night, she fell asleep in the sofa in the living room and slept there the whole night, all by herself.

The next day:

Pia: Daddy, can I sleep in the sofa again tonight?

Daddy: (surprised) But won’t you get scared?

Pia: No.

Daddy: Why don’t you sleep in your bedroom?  At least Domu and Sammy are there with you when you get another bad dream.

Pia: I want to sleep here in the sofa.

Daddy: Even if you’re alone?

Pia: Yes.

Daddy: Won’t you be less scared if you are with Domu and Sammy?

Pia: No.

Daddy: Why not?

Pia: Because whenever I have a bad dream, in my dream Domu and Sammy are the monsters!

* * *